PostPartum Depression: Oh How I Hate You

Wow, it’s almost been a month since I last wrote here. Since I can’t come up with a creative alibi why this is so, I’ll just tell you the truth. I hope I don’t regret sharing this: I think I have Postpartum Depression (PPD). 

If you haven’t been pregnant or given birth or if you have not taken the time to understand this subject by listening to others who’ve had it before or at least read about it, please don’t try to give me any glib advice. I’ll just get really pissed off, as if I haven’t been these past few weeks. Ask my poor husband, who I am afraid will leave me any minute because of my very erratic mood swings. I half kid. I don’t think he will leave me, but I do know he is getting the brunt of all this darkness in me.

For those of you who don’t know jack about PPD, I don’t really have the energy to regurgitate all the facts available online for you to read, if you care to. If you’re too lazy to google, start here. The thing is, it’s not just your regular “let down” blues like something grand has happened and now it’s all over kind of thing. NO, nothing like post-election blues, or post-vacation blues, etc. It’s not like a spiritual slump or a symptom of some sin in your life either (please don’t get me started on that).

What is it like then?

It’s like waging war against hormonal, chemical, physical, emotional, spiritual elements that seem to conspire to make my life so darn hard to live instead of the pure new momma bliss that I hear so often and expect to feel. It’s like waking up in the morning dreading that I will have to find energy somehow to do it all over again even though my body is screaming for some rest. It’s like fighting back the tears because Naomi just stares at me wondering what has happened to her usually cheerful mama, but the tears just keep coming. It’s like wondering what I’m doing wrong all the time and being so fearful that I will do something stupid like drop Naomi on the floor or hit her head. It’s like feeling so disconnected from the world that even though I’m with other people, I’m not really there, like I’m a ghost or something and it hurts more to be in the company of people because my isolation is more apparent to me. It’s like trying so hard to keep it together because you are afraid people will think you are such a bad mom, or if people found out what you are really thinking, they will turn you over to the cops.  It’s like feeling sooooo guilty over wanting to escape, wondering if it was a mistake to have children and being ashamed for such bad bad thoughts.  It’s like feeling overwhelmed that all of a sudden, I’m responsible for this little baby who I so love and adore and would give my life for but is completely dependent on me and her neediness is a big magnifying glass over my incompetence. It’s like being angry at my husband as if this was all his fault. It’s like feeling betrayed by everyone who keeps saying that becoming a mother is like falling into a bed of roses but they forget to mention that there are these thorns that are so darn big and sharp they can kill you. 

Yah, it gets that bad. Some days. I SO don’t want to be on meds coz (1) I’m breastfeeding and (2) I don’t want the side effects. I’m looking for some naturopathic alternatives but I’m getting desperate.

On good days, I do love being a mama.  Hubby is happy because wife seems to be back, but oh but how short-lived. My highs and lows are driving me crazy. I suspect my love affair with sugar is not helping. What to do?

Actually, I know what to do. I’m not a stranger to depression. It’s like the acquaintance who thinks you’re her best friend and won’t leave you alone. Only PPD seems WAY worse because I have a precious little one to care for.

So here’s my list.

1. Get out and exercise. (on a cold weather like this with a baby?)

2. Eat healthy and stay hydrated. (good bye chocolate chip cookies, sniff)

3. Get some sun or full-spectrum lightbulbs. (yah, move me to california)

4. See a therapist/Join a support group. (oh why do they have to be so darn expensive)

5. Ask for help. (this is the toughest i think. how to do this?)

6. Pray honestly not for an answer but for God Himself. (please God, I need YOU)

7.  Rest. Take a bath and breathe deeply. (nap when baby naps. yah right. and baths? she won’t even give me a five minute shower! the breathe deeply i can do)

8. Do something fun. (fun? what’s that?)

 9. Talk to safe people. (another tough one. don’t know who’s safe and who’s not.)

10. Write. (I guess this I can do!)

And so I write. It must be a good day today. But I’m still tired. Cranky. Spent. Maybe I do need a dose of Zoloft.

PPD – Oh how I hate you.